Hemorrhoid Banding - My checkup

My checkup

I had been having problems in the bathroom department for quite some time.  So I visited my doctor a few times.  He prescribed the usual creams and suppositories (note for young ones - suppository means you jam a pill up your butt with your finger - what fun!).  After some time they weren't helping any more and I had to stop jogging and other things that kept me fit - so I added on like 15 pounds.  So, on my last visit I asked for a referral to a specialist.  He set it up.

I arrived at the Riverside Hospital for my checkup.  My appointment was at 830.  As I drove into the parking lot I noted the prices - $4.50 for each 1/2 hour and a $13 daily maximum.  I knew that there was no way I was getting out before $13.

I waited for my 8:30 appointment until 9:15 before a nurse came out to get me.  She bought me into a room for some more waiting.  Now, just to reset with you.  I am a bit nervous as, really, I know the next step is that some dude is going to be looking in my butt.  Actually, first they are going to work their finger around inside for a while and then they will start looking.  So, I have never met this doctor, never been on a date with them, never even been kissed...And I am about to get real personal with them.  So, I am hoping that, like my doctor, he is a 45-50 year old, been there type of guy, who will make me comfortable.

In walks my doctor.  She is a 30-something lady.  Attractive.  Not gorgeous.  But, as you get older, younger people just start looking better.  Their skin is better, their body is healthier.  It isn't a sexual thing, just you begin to appreciate the beauty of people more as you age (and as you lose yours).  Too bad that this realization doesn't happen sooner for many.  Too many teenagers worry about their appearance when they should be celebrating it.

So, my first thought is "ah fuck".  This lady is going to be looking at my butt.  But wait...In also walks her partner.  She is a younger, maybe early 30s lady.  Also attractive, and probably more so than the first.  Seems like I am in more of a teaching situation.  Awesome.

I learn in subsequent conversations that they aren't actually the doctor.  SHE will be in for the procedure, but they will do the pre-exam, questionnaire, etc.  My mind races forward to the eventual table investigation where I will have three women doctors and 1 nurse having to stare at my naked butt and innards...This day is not looking up.

As part of our discussion I learn that they can actually do the banding as part of the checkup.  I had feared that.  Not that I don't want the efficiency.  I just wanted to learn more on the web and get psyched for anything.  Regardless, I consent to doing banding if they see a need.

The actual examination is pretty standard.  Once you have a finger up inside you, any subsequent one is familiar.  It isn't ever enjoyable though.  To me, there are lots of advantages to being gay - always able to watch football and hockey and double your wardrobe - but this part has always been the reason I have never considered switching teams.  But I digress....

I lie on my side so I can't look into the doctor's eyes.  They don't like to see you in discomfort.  Or maybe they don't want to make it easy for you to grab them and shake them by their smug collars.  The two younger ladies perform the examination while my supposed lead doctor supervises and periodically comes to my side of the table to distract me.

There is a bit of pain and maybe some annoyance as they tell me to "relax".  I tell them that the situation isn't conducive to relaxation.  When they actually begin the banding they ask you if you feel pain (if you feel a sharp pain it is bad).  I can feel pain (the elastic actually snaps on) but I guess that isn't the type of pain they mean.  They probably should explain better.  Or maybe earlier, before I have to make a decision when the doctor is elbow deep in my colon.

After we finish, the doctor asks me if I am going back to work or going home.  I was planning to go to work, but opt to go home as the procedure was a bit more painful that I thought.  She tells me I may feel discomfort until the end of the day, but that I can take Tylenol or something.

Overall, the doctors were very professional.  The operation seemed to go well and the two younger doctors gave me some more instructions and sent me on my way.  But, they lied.  They so lied.