Hemorrhoid banding - the Trumpets of Angels

This morning I awoke too early.  As you age you may not get around as much as you used to during the day.  But, as a man, you more than make up for it with your trips to the bathroom at night.  If only I got frequent flyer points for those short hops....

With my banding experience into day 5, there are complications though.  #1 becomes an even tougher job.  Not only do I have my normal "shyness" that I inherited, but the pressure from the banding procedure actually makes it even harder to go (tip from my wife was to blow through a straw - I pretended I was doing so and it seemed to work a bit for me).

So, there I stood. Ready for #1.  But #1 wouldn't come.  There's a lot of pressure feeling like a #2.  And as you probably all know, #2 rules #1.  So I stand there, hopping between feet, pleading, coaxing, cajoling #1 to start.  My head starting to sweat profusely.  Because the dog is going to start to whine to go out soon.  And if my wife wakes up she is going to ask me what I am doing.  And, at this very moment, I NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT I AM DOING and not talk about what I am trying to do.

More struggle...More waiting. Nervous shifting.  Pressure building.  Head sweating.  Body sweating. I can't stop trying now.  If the dog decides to go for a longer walk I will be in a world of hurt if I don't go #1 before I take her out.

Nervously I relax to see if #2 really needs to be satisfied.  #2 is a dark mistress.  She beacons to try and only will give little.  Turning to #2 too much is a sure fire way to cause yourself more hurt.  But, the pressure is intense so I relax a bit, and....The trumpet of angels...Oh lord, it was small and soft but the release of internal pressure was exquisite. And it happened again.

I can't do justice to the feeling of joy.  Oh, it felt delicious.  I had regained some control of the whole movement.  The potential to release pressure in these tight situations gives me reason to hope that the worst is behind me.  Yes, I know the irony in that last sentence.

And maybe that is a benefit of getting older.  The ability to appreciate, truly appreciate some of the little gifts that life affords.  How maybe that stock values, retirement, and money worries really take a back seat to some of the most basic needs.  Maslow was on to something...I didn't think once about the price of AAPL stock during this whole episode.

I think I need a post on retirement and stocks now...Probably some wisdom in there for people...

Hemorrhoid Banding - My recovery

Yes, they lied.

They claimed to have banded my hemorrhoids.  But, unbeknownst to me, the doctors had inserted a weasel into my sphincter.  The weasel had sharp teeth, diamond tipped talons and shredded glass for fur.

Some discomfort until the end of the day.  Ya, maybe.  But you will also feel:

• An uncontrollable urge to pee/poo - not just every once in a while.  But constantly
• A stuffed feeling in your stomach/nether regions
• Pain around your anus.  Not small.  Sharp.  Like no sleep sharp.
• Not being able to pee, even though you think you need to

And it isn't just a day.  It is now 4 days.  And you begin to dread, DREAD, DREAD the prospect of a bowel movement.  How is that going to work?  You are not allowed to push.  And the first time you go nothing will come out.  Perhaps some gas, maybe some squirrel niblets.  And you may get some relief.  But that relief will be short-lived as the pain and tightness will return as finish.  Especially if your bowels are now full and your parts can't retreat.  That really sucks.

Picture yourself on the toilet.  In some pain and knowing what pain you will be in if you linger.  Knowing that you HAVE TO GO and feeling the pressure you will start to sweat.  Physically - you will sweat....If stuff actually start - When should you stop yourself?  It feels good to continue but you know that this will bring pain later.

My recommendations:

1. If your doctor tells you this is a day thing - ask them if you an call them if it bothers you in the early AM after the end of the day.  Get their cell number.  Get their address.  You won't be able to go by but maybe some day you will be able to share your experience.  Sure, some people get this done and it is easy.  You may even be one of those.  If you are I hate you.
2. Drugs.  Ya, Tylenol sounds good.  But, Tylenol ain't going to feed the weasel.  I am talking knock you on your ass type of shit.  Not aspirin because that can make you a bleeder but get industrial grade shit.  Valium, crack, LSD - something that is going to take the edge off.  If the doctor tells you that you won't need it - ask them if you can hold their genitals in your hands and squeeze if it does.  Better safe than sorry.

I am now on day 4,  Still discomfort.  I have one good BM (and paid for it) but I feel I am getting better every day.  They say day 7-10 and the banded piece falls off.  I hope that this means everything will then fit back in and reduce my pain.  But, a one-day thing???  Nonsense.

Hemorrhoid Banding - My checkup

My checkup

I had been having problems in the bathroom department for quite some time.  So I visited my doctor a few times.  He prescribed the usual creams and suppositories (note for young ones - suppository means you jam a pill up your butt with your finger - what fun!).  After some time they weren't helping any more and I had to stop jogging and other things that kept me fit - so I added on like 15 pounds.  So, on my last visit I asked for a referral to a specialist.  He set it up.

I arrived at the Riverside Hospital for my checkup.  My appointment was at 830.  As I drove into the parking lot I noted the prices - $4.50 for each 1/2 hour and a $13 daily maximum.  I knew that there was no way I was getting out before $13.

I waited for my 8:30 appointment until 9:15 before a nurse came out to get me.  She bought me into a room for some more waiting.  Now, just to reset with you.  I am a bit nervous as, really, I know the next step is that some dude is going to be looking in my butt.  Actually, first they are going to work their finger around inside for a while and then they will start looking.  So, I have never met this doctor, never been on a date with them, never even been kissed...And I am about to get real personal with them.  So, I am hoping that, like my doctor, he is a 45-50 year old, been there type of guy, who will make me comfortable.

In walks my doctor.  She is a 30-something lady.  Attractive.  Not gorgeous.  But, as you get older, younger people just start looking better.  Their skin is better, their body is healthier.  It isn't a sexual thing, just you begin to appreciate the beauty of people more as you age (and as you lose yours).  Too bad that this realization doesn't happen sooner for many.  Too many teenagers worry about their appearance when they should be celebrating it.

So, my first thought is "ah fuck".  This lady is going to be looking at my butt.  But wait...In also walks her partner.  She is a younger, maybe early 30s lady.  Also attractive, and probably more so than the first.  Seems like I am in more of a teaching situation.  Awesome.

I learn in subsequent conversations that they aren't actually the doctor.  SHE will be in for the procedure, but they will do the pre-exam, questionnaire, etc.  My mind races forward to the eventual table investigation where I will have three women doctors and 1 nurse having to stare at my naked butt and innards...This day is not looking up.

As part of our discussion I learn that they can actually do the banding as part of the checkup.  I had feared that.  Not that I don't want the efficiency.  I just wanted to learn more on the web and get psyched for anything.  Regardless, I consent to doing banding if they see a need.

The actual examination is pretty standard.  Once you have a finger up inside you, any subsequent one is familiar.  It isn't ever enjoyable though.  To me, there are lots of advantages to being gay - always able to watch football and hockey and double your wardrobe - but this part has always been the reason I have never considered switching teams.  But I digress....

I lie on my side so I can't look into the doctor's eyes.  They don't like to see you in discomfort.  Or maybe they don't want to make it easy for you to grab them and shake them by their smug collars.  The two younger ladies perform the examination while my supposed lead doctor supervises and periodically comes to my side of the table to distract me.

There is a bit of pain and maybe some annoyance as they tell me to "relax".  I tell them that the situation isn't conducive to relaxation.  When they actually begin the banding they ask you if you feel pain (if you feel a sharp pain it is bad).  I can feel pain (the elastic actually snaps on) but I guess that isn't the type of pain they mean.  They probably should explain better.  Or maybe earlier, before I have to make a decision when the doctor is elbow deep in my colon.

After we finish, the doctor asks me if I am going back to work or going home.  I was planning to go to work, but opt to go home as the procedure was a bit more painful that I thought.  She tells me I may feel discomfort until the end of the day, but that I can take Tylenol or something.

Overall, the doctors were very professional.  The operation seemed to go well and the two younger doctors gave me some more instructions and sent me on my way.  But, they lied.  They so lied.

Hemorrhoid Banding - background

Hemorrhoids are something you hear about when you are younger.  But, are certainly not a concern for most.  After all, when you are young, pooping is a pleasure.  You can eat super hot chicken wings and guzzle beer until 3 AM, top it off with breakfast on the way home and then go to the bathroom with full certainty that the only pain will be in your head if you really over-did it.

Not so, for people who know that it sucksgettingolder.

Hemorrhoids are rogue veins that no longer work as directed.  And I have vascular issues (more on that in another post).  In this case, the veins get bigger, interfere with other functions and can cause pain and bleeding.  There are cures for this (diet, exercise, surgery for example) and banding - which puts an elastic around the base and chokes them off.

The promise is freedom from the pain and discomfort.  Fucking liars.

Introduction

Hey, I am Jay.

I am 48 and living in Ottawa, the capital of Canada.  I recently went through an operation that caused me to reflect on getting older.  How life, that cruel wench, takes away all the things that you took for granted over time.  And I wanted to share this journey with anyone who cares to read about it.

Be warned, this tale isn't for the faint of heart.  I will be descriptive.  I will try to be funny, but may miss.  And there is going to be some cursing.  But, if you are young and just curious about the living hell you are about to go through or older and want to commiserate, come on in...